The Problem With Remembering

He’d been called many names in the past. Some of them negative; ‘loser’…’asshole’…no one’s ever topped ‘limp-dick fucknugget’, though… Every name conjured a moment best left forgotten, or repressed under a two-tequila shot minimum.

He’d also been blessed with the best names available in life; ‘beloved’…’husband’…’daddy’… Names that defined a man, that gave him a purpose to be and a reason to continue. The warmth alone that radiated from his chest with each of these wrapped him in a blanket of distance from the moment, letting him remember what should be, or now, what once was.

But one name he’d never been given was “insignificant”. It was a moniker his tongue couldn’t force a repeat of. “Okay, sure, there’s way too many people in the world to give a shit about me and whatever I did. You know what, I don’t give a shit about them. I gave a shit about Lillian! About our boys! You can’t tell me otherwise!”

“You’re right, I cannot,” it said, as it started to climb a staircase that wasn’t even there to step on. “It is not up to me to debate the root truth of your memories, their fidelity is irrelevant in the end. What matters is your perception of them now.”

“Why now? Shouldn’t it matter through my whole life, if this is whatever comes at the end of a life?”

It stopped at the peak of an invisible perch and sprawled out upside down, but never closing its unblinking eyes in a moment of respite, “They are one in the same, only a perceived measure of time.”

He reached out to lean on whatever staircase was supposed to be there, only to be further annoyed when his hand passed through nothing, “So….what the hell does that mean?”

“As I said, everything you were and would never be is right here. Yet this is the environment you have generated from what you consider ‘true’. Alone, isolated, refusing to open his eyes to what he claims to value.”

That made him pause for a moment. But I remember!…don’t I? What should have been the songs of angels playing through his adulthood were no longer there, lost to whispers from a dark closet somewhere in the aged hovel he was standing in.  “Where are they?! Why can’t I hear them anymore! You’ve spoken in their voices once, do it again!” he howled, shaking the false wood under his feet. “Please…let me hear them again…”

It rolled right side up, tilting its head. “Is that what you truly want to hear?”

“Yes! Let me hear them again…just one more time,” he pleaded, almost cradling its head in his hands.

The noise that it emitted from its ever-smiling lips was damming. It only lasted a few seconds, but the combination of every scream his children had ever hollered, every shriek of pain his beloved had emitted was enough to crush the soul of anyone and anything ever made flesh. But it was the indomitable roar of the blaze that took him from his feet to his belly. “No! No! Please, God no! Make it stop! NO MORE!”

It relented upon his request, leaping down from its roost to sit in front of him, nearly nose to nose. “Those are the memories that you hold on the surface, the ones that have shaped all of your perceptions of the moment.”

“But…how can that be possible? I… THEY SHOULD BE ALIVE, NOT BURNING TO DEATH!!” he yelled over the racking tears.

“Then why is that what you cling to now?” It posed with a cock of its head.

“Because…because… BECAUSE I KILLED THEM! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, YOU SADISTIC FUCK! I KILLED THEM! I KILLED THEM! ITS MY FAULT!” His voice broke into the creaking shriek of the broken, his fists beating down on the floor again and again until they should have been shattered bone. And yet, there was nothing but the cold, indifferent silence.

“Now do you see the corruption and falsehood of memories over truth?” it posed to him after an eternity of pause.

“Does…does it even fucking matter anymore?” he whimpered, cradling his chest from the ache of the breakdown. “This is all there is, isn’t it… this is all you’re gonna show me…it’s all I deserve.”

“If that were the truth, Simon, then this moment would have already ended. Are you ready to see your truth and not the memory you’ve sealed yourself in?”

So, it’s been a bit since I’ve visited this scene, and honestly, this is due to two reasons. 1: This particular sequence takes a certain focus or exact idea to make it feel like it’s ready to continue. And 2: I have honestly no idea where/when/how/if it will end. And, I’m completely okay with that for now, since there’s probably a good reason for that buried in here somewhere.

I hope you all enjoy.


2 thoughts on “The Problem With Remembering

  1. Mayumi-H says:

    I’ve always really enjoyed this story, and these characters, so it was great to see them start your pen again. 🙂

    We can see the crescendo of the conflict here, but it’s a strong build-up. I like the steady pacing of dread, where in the back of my mind I knew what was coming but couldn’t stop it from happening. I like that it’s not a “dun-dun-DUN!” reveal that happens out of nowhere. I was also instantly transported back into this scene and this moment from the first few lines, which says a lot about the way you paint this story. The hook for what’s to come next is interesting, too. I’m looking forward to seeing where you go with it, whenever that may be. 🙂

    I’d suggest not fretting over plot or arc or any of that, at this stage. These characters have very specific voices, and they will probably make their own stories known to you, if you simply keep writing them. Personally, I love when I have a plan for a character and, suddenly, in the course of just writing them, they turn around and tell me, “Nope; I have my own ideas of where my story should go.” That can be an incredibly rewarding moment…albeit a troubling moment, too, for what it can do to the overall story.

    Thanks for sharing!

  2. Thank you, Mayumi!
    I’m glad this story so easily links together after such stretches of time between updates, I like to think that this makes it easier come the end if I wanted to actually make a full story from these.

    Yeah, this is true, trying to steer plots and characters has often not worked will in the past. Especially with the spirit in here, its just so cold and unique, I can’t predict where it goes next. But I’m glad we’re both looking forward to the ride!

    Thanks again for reading! I’m happy you enjoyed!

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